So today we went to Hobby Lobby..and all I could think about was how much I am dreading Mothers day..Which is completely acceptable..but I was sooo excited for mothers day..and now..it just seems pointless..I dont feel like a mom..at all..I feel like the best thing in my life was ripped away from me and now i just wish there wasnt a mothers day. and I know that i shouldnt feel this way because I was/am a mommy still..but its not fair..I want MY baby here with me.. its not fair to hear about women who try killing their kids or people putting their children up for adoption..its not fair..We wanted Kylie more than anything..she was our whole world..we loved her as soon as we found out she was on the way.. I know that God has a plan for us..but it doesnt change the fact that for the past 11 months I've been expecting to be at home changing diapers and feeding my little Chunk.. and now I feel completely worthless.. I walk aroundn seeing moms with taking care of their babies..and thats the life i want..thats the life i've been planning on..thats the only life i seem to know now...
Everything is so different now.. I feel like everyone thinks I should stop lingering on Kylie and move on already..but I can't and I dont know how long it will take..maybe yearss..
And on the other hand is people saying that everyone grieves differently and it can take as long as I feel I need..
My counselor told me that I put on a big front..I act like everythings fine and on the inside all this is really killing me..and that I have to start talking to people about..and I'm starting to realize that she's right..
When I have "good" days..I sit at home and wonder what kind of mother I am..How can I be
fine when I no longer have my baby...
I know this all sounds crazy buts its what goes on in my head every minute of everyday..
Lily's 9th Birthday Celebration!
7 years ago
I hope you don't mind that I will probably comment on every post you make...if that gets annoying just let me know. With that said -I've been thinking about Mother's Day a lot too. It's still your day. I have some things I want to give you. Oh and it's ok to have good days. Kylie would want you to. Everything you said in this post makes sense to me. <3
ReplyDeletewow...I've felt these same things. Tears come to my eyes as I read what you wrote because I never want another mom to have to feel this way. I was so excited for Mother's Day as well and even though I know I'm still a mommy, I'm dreading the day to come. I feel like since Lily isn't here with me, people have forgotten that I am indeed a mom still. I also feel like it's so unfair that other people that don't even want their babies have them...and I know I would have been a good mom for her. I know what it feels like to feel like the whole world is moving on, forgetting her. Forgetting that I lost my baby only a little over a month ago. People act like I should be over it. But, unless you've lost a baby, you don't know what it's like. I have good days and bad days as well...just praise God for the good days. Kylie would want her mommy to be happy..it sounds so cliche, but it's true...I know Lily wants me to be happy and I just want to make her proud!
ReplyDelete