How Could You Leave Me All Alone.

Two post in one day. I'm on a roll! Anyways, today my parents came to visit, we're having some issues with my car, so they came to see what they could do. They brought my beautiful niece, Ava. I love seeing her, even though she's not much older than Kylie would be. It does make it incredibly hard to hold, feed, and love her, but I know that I have to push through my pain and fear. However, today I was reminded so much of Kylie. We went to Mamaritas for lunch, which is the last place Nick took Kylie and I for supper. Then, we went to Babies R Us, and I know that all the new people were probably thinking she was my daughter. I had to see my mother buying things for another baby. Not mine. When we got back to my apartment, I was saying bye to Ava, and she was EXTREMELY fussy because she is teething, and she was crying so much that she lost her breath. I thought I was going to have a heart attack. It happens often with her, but I it scared me. Really SCARED me. I don't know that I can handle that with any child, and definitely not one of my own. Ava's seeing a doctor for her heart and he says that she's probably going to have to have surgery because her hearts not closing like it should've. He also says that she may stop breathing and should be rushed to the ER. There's no way I could ever deal with that. I'm very torn right now. And I know you're probably thinking its entirely way to early for me to even be thinking about this. But it's something that's constantly on my mind. I don't know if I ever want another child. The thing is I know in my heart that I do, but my heads telling me that I'm being ridiculous to ever even consider having another. My doctor told me that in order to be ready for another child I have to be able to realize that there's always a possibility of losing another child. How can ANY mother ever be okay enough with that. I keep thinking that if I don't have a child, I'm being selfish, and I also don't want people to think that Kylie was just an accident and I didn't want children in the first place. Because the truth is I've wanted to be a mom for a LONG time. A very long time actually. Now motherhood scares me. Guess that's enough venting for now.

By the way.. Here's my niece Ava Rose..

She has a birthmark on the side of her eye, it's made her eye extremely weak, but she will be having surgery when she's older to correct it. I love this little girl.