Take A Walk In My Shoes..

I wish that the people around me could have one day to walk in my shoes.. To see how I feel every morning I wake up.. Wishing that I was waking up to Kylie crying..To fall asleep every night wishing I could open my eyes and see Kylie safely sleeping in her Bassinette.. How everytime I get a little bit of joy in my life..I think about how much joy Kylie brought to my life..And how that joy will never be the same.. Or everytime I'm out I see babies everywhere and become so envious that I can't stand it because I would give anything to see Kylie again.. Even just to have someone feel how obsessed I've become with trying to do the right thing all the time.. How I'm trying so hard to be perfect..and even though that's not possible..I feel like everyones just staring at me waiting for me to mess up..and even myself..I feel like I'm waiting on myself to mess up and think "Maybe this is why God took Kylie.." and even though I know it's nothing I did.. I still search for the answers that I'll never find.. at least not here.. It's not that I wish someone was going through what I'm going through..I just wish people would realize that I'm not the same Haley..I've forever been changed..and I just have to be the new me one day at a time.. and it's not something I can do tomorrow..

Dear, Kylie..
I love you more than you'll ever know baby.. I thank God everyday for you.. and I know that you're as safe as you can be..and for that I'm greatful ..I'm also greatful for the eight most amazing..best days of my life with you.. And I promise.....promise..that I will never forget you...and I will tell your future siblings how beautiful you were...and our priceless memories with you... Especially the time you projectile vomitted on Daddy..and he didn't know what in the world to do..and Also how Daddy was changing your dirty diaper and you started peeing on the pack n play and once again Daddy didn't know what to do.. I miss you soo much Chunk.. I miss you waking me up everyday bright and early not going to sleep unless I was holding you.. I miss that. I love you baby.. and I promise..it's not goodbye..

XOXOXOXO,
Mommy.